i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
