Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
