Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
