Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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