I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Randomize
