there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"