you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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