I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
