The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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