can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
