well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
