You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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