You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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