You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
