i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
