i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
