He asked to "fluff my boner.."
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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