I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
