hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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