Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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