You just made me feel so damn special
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
