well I can't set my house on fire every night
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
