She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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