3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
