why didn't you poke me back
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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