I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
