last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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