I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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