i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
