roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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