You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
People with herpes should wear stickers.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Randomize
