Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Only a mothe r could love this liver
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
