Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Randomize
