I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
