broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Randomize
