its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
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good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
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The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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