ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
