I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
