I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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