In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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