im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
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She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
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