I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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