FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
