How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
