highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I did not marry a roomba.
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