Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Randomize
