I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
i think my cat just said my name.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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