my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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