if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
