I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
