If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
