2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
