1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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