having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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