We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
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so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
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Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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