Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
