Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
If I die, sorry about rent.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
