I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
