Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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